The Wait

As of last week, my hcg levels were at 3 and I was FINALLY released from my ritual of weekly blood draws. My doctor has ordered monthly blood draws for six months to make sure my levels stay at "zero."  Then and only then will we start trying again. The newest research says three months of waiting is enough. Some old school doctors still insist on waiting one year. But my husband and I are comfortable waiting six months, so that is our plan. 

Losing our baby still seems like a nightmare I should have been able to wake up from. But I'm not crying everyday. I am not on the couch everyday. And I feel like I came out on the other side stronger in my walk with God and in my marriage. I am so thankful for my health. This could have ended differently and I am so glad to be cancer free and still have a child-bearing future ahead of me. 

Part of my healing has been renovating our house. We are creating master bedroom oasis out of an awkward den area. It's almost done and I am a testament to how healing demolition can be. Tearing through walls and ripping down ugly barn wood is a truly therapeutic experience. We are also rescuing another Estrela Mountian Dog. She will need some obedience training and socialization. I am so excited for a project and to give Leo a play buddy! 

I never really shared this blog with anyone. I don't think that was ever my plan. But it was part of my healing. And maybe some day it will be a part of someone else's healing. Just lean on God's great love. It's all you can do. 

Being Content With Nothing

As far as material things go, I have none of the things I "want" right now. I wanted my baby. My husband and I want our house to sell. I have a list of wants and none of them are happening. It's frustrating and unsettling. I am constantly looking on my phone for a puppy to buy, a house to look at, baby name sites. But none of those actions bring me any closer to feeling satisfied. 

But all along, through all of the great times and all of the terrible moments, I've always had everything I need. Love. I've always known I am a child of God. That He loves me with a love greater than the universe. He formed me from nothing and had plans for me before I was born. He wants nothing more than to see me bring Him joy and to prosper. 

But before this loss, I managed to forget some of that. I was focused on what I needed from the world. I needed a new house, a baby, a job.  I had a great new marriage and the future was bright, but I lost sight of serving and focusing on my Heavenly Father. I just pray that I can use this time to get my priorities straight, in my relationship with God, my marriage, and in my heart. 

God's love is too important to miss out on just to obtain gifts of this world. 

Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. (Proverbs 3:5, 6 AMP)

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. (James 1:2-4 MSG)

Rejoice In Time

My devotional this morning included a verse that lifted my heart and shed some light on my path. 

Proverbs 31:25 says, “Strength and honor are her clothing and she shall rejoice in time to come.” 

This time in my life, in my marriage, in my fertility, it is rough. But my only job is to trust in the love of God and let him clothe me in strength and honor. When I do that I can trust that I will rejoice soon. Better times will come. 

My prayer today:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for walking with me. I feel your presence even in the darkness. Thank you for loving me more than anyone else could. Thank you for your promises. 

I pray that you will clothe me in strength and honor. I pray that I can do great things for your kingdom. Please help me see the needs of others and serve them. 

Amen. 

Our Pregnancy Story

Back in February, my husband caught the baby bug. He called me from a layover on a business trip to tell me he loved me and he wanted to start a family... But not right this minute, maybe next fall. Well I have been looking forward to making babies ever since we started dating over 5 years ago. So I was totally on board with that plan. 

As the year went on we realized we couldn't wait that long. In July 2014 we started trying and had instant success. On July 26th two lines showed up on a stick and I stuck a bun in the oven and waited for my husband to come home. We were shocked and terrified and thrilled. It was torture keeping it a secret, so we ended up telling most close family and friends by week 8. 

Being a first time prego, I navigated appointments and vitamins and symptoms with naive excitement and lots of internet "research."  My first appointment confirmed that I was indeed with child and my bloodwork and tests came back totally normal. At my next appointment, I was 11 weeks and my husband and I sat patiently as my midwife searched, and searched, for the babies heartbeat. She couldn't find it, but told me not to be concerned, that my uterus was healthy and loud and we would hear it next week. 

Next week came and again we were waiting, and waiting, for that heartbeat to fill the speakers of that Doppler device. My midwife was on vacation, so the sweet nurses there got me an ultrasound appointment, but not because they were concerned, just because they knew how bad we wanted to hear or see something. I was so grateful and excited, but not at all alarmed. 

It wasn't until 15 minutes into waiting in the radiation waiting room that I thought to myself "what if something is wrong?" I sat with my doubt for a minute and turned to my husband and told him I was nervous. He wasn't, and he said we had no reason to be. So I shook it off, our name was called, and some more gel was squeezed on my belly. 

The ultrasound tech started searching and was immediately quiet, taking pictures and measurements at the speed of light. I saw what looked like a tiny baby on the screen, but there was no heartbeat and no moving. She excused herself to talk to the radiologist and a cold fear fell over me. I looked at my husband and said "this isn't good."  He was hopeful and reassuring, but I can still see the concern in his eyes. I had never seen that look before. He wanted to tell me it was okay like he always does, but we both knew. 

We got the news and immediately the tears came. Disbelief. Anger. Sadness. All at once. We cried together, but then my husband turned his off and got ready to navigate whatever came next. We had to meet with an doctor to discuss options and concerns. We scheduled a D&C. I had a pelvic exam. They recommended I take the rest of the week off to mourn. It was all a blur. 

The doctor mentioned and explained that this might be a partial molar pregnancy. At the time of the ultrasound I was 12 weeks 2 days, but the baby only measured at 9 weeks. The placenta and sac were the size they would expect for 12 weeks though. I had no idea what that meant, but I was devastated that my body had tricked me into thinking my baby was still alive for three weeks.  I still can't described what that really felt like, but it felt like disgust, disappointment, shame, and complete sorrow all together. 

I was scheduled for a D&C that Monday, which meant I had to spend the weekend mourning my baby while it was still in me. Looking back, I am thankful for that. In a weird way it helped me say goodbye, because I wasn't ready to let go. I got to spend a few more days with my baby, feeling pregnant, looking pregnant, and I'm glad I got that chance. 

Shake It Off

An extremely frustrating part of this process is the emotional roller coaster I can't seem to get off of. Yesterday was an awesome day, I got excellent test results back from my OB. And I had a go-get'em attitude. But last night as we started to get ready for bed, I felt like my heart was getting pushed back into a hole. 

I was upset, at no one, just my situation. And sad, that my baby isn't with me anymore. Angry that even though I got great results back, it will still be another six months until my husband and I can even start trying to conceive again. Just plain angry!! (I really do plan on telling my story, I just can't seem to yet)

To make it even worse, I feel like I'm riding this ride alone. (I know in my heart I am not, but...) My husband rarely talks about our loss anymore and he is 100 times more stable than me.  And I can't decide if I am thankful or mad at him for how he has handled himself. Thankful because I need someone strong to pull me out of the darkness and cheer me up by saying and believing that we will make it through this. At the same time, I am furious because I want the world to stop and mourn my loss. I feel that by moving on too fast, we will forget and it will be like it never happened.

It did happen!! For 13 weeks I was a mom! I had life inside of me. I had a great gift. We were so excited, we were picking out names, and telling people we loved how blessed we were. Two weeks ago I woke up smiling every morning knowing that the biggest gift I'll ever receive was safe inside of me. 

Now all I have left as evidence that it happened is a shadow box I filled with the maternity shirt I painted, a baby shirt we bought on vacation in Augist, the one and only ultrasound shot I have, and the stick I peed on that told me I was going to be a mom. 

It all feels like a nightmare. 

Buffalo Chicken Grinder

Yesterday, a couple of hours after I stopped sobbing from writing my first post... My husband and I decided what to have for dinner.  That's not a significant decision for a regular person who isn't grieving something or someone. But for me, food is a reminder that my baby is gone. Since week 6 I had cravings for pickles, cottage cheese, and spicy things. 

Once or twice a WEEK I was ordering a buffalo chicken grinder from a local sub and pizza shop. I have always loved pickles, but I'm talking about inhaling two or three spears every afternoon. And I would regularly go through two tubs of cottage cheese a week... 

My cravings weren't anything out of the ordinary for a pregnant woman, but now that I don't have them anymore, thinking of eating those foods makes me tear up.

So when my husband asked me what I wanted for dinner last night, I said without hesitation "Buffalo chicken grinder," to which he replied with a stare and skeptical eyebrows. Just three days earlier I cried because I thought of said grinder. I don't blame him. But we went, and I ate it without a tear, along with the pickle on the side :)

I was so proud of myself I embarrassed my husband by making him take a picture of me and my food. I guess from here on out, it's all about conquering the small things. 

My prayer today:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the strength you give me. Thank you for taking the pain away. I know it's okay to move on, because I'll hold my baby in heaven someday.  

Please help me to grow a little more everyday. I know your love will carry me through this. 

Amen

What Should Be

My baby should be 14 weeks.

I should be showing and growing.

There should be a smile on my face when my husband touches my stomach.

I should be craving pickles and hot wings.

My baby should be with me still.



I lost my baby one week ago today and I could not have predicted how hard today would be.  Everyday is a battle against constant reminders.  My body reminds me I am not pregnant anymore.  Diaper commercials on TV.  Car seats in minivans.

Since July 28th Mondays were a day to celebrate.  Every monday my baby got one week closer to being in my arms.  But this Monday is just one more reminder that my baby is gone. Now it just reminds me of what should be.

Today I had my first blood draw since my D&C exactly a week ago.  Ironically, every Monday will now be the day I get my blood drawn.  Every week, for the foreseeable future... I am excited to get the results back and see how fast, or how slow, my hcG levels are dropping.  At my 12 week check up, my husband and I learned our baby's heart was no longer beating and they suspected a partial molar pregnancy.  They were right, but I will tell that story in an other post.



My prayer for today:


Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for blessing me with a child.  I know my little one is in your arms.  Thank you for protecting me from the bitterness and depression that is trying to surround me.  Your love is the only thing that gets me through the day.

Please remind me of all that I have to be thankful for every time I am reminded of my loss.  Help me to be a blessing to others who are suffering.  I hope that I can help someone else find the light through you.

Amen.