What Should Be

My baby should be 14 weeks.

I should be showing and growing.

There should be a smile on my face when my husband touches my stomach.

I should be craving pickles and hot wings.

My baby should be with me still.



I lost my baby one week ago today and I could not have predicted how hard today would be.  Everyday is a battle against constant reminders.  My body reminds me I am not pregnant anymore.  Diaper commercials on TV.  Car seats in minivans.

Since July 28th Mondays were a day to celebrate.  Every monday my baby got one week closer to being in my arms.  But this Monday is just one more reminder that my baby is gone. Now it just reminds me of what should be.

Today I had my first blood draw since my D&C exactly a week ago.  Ironically, every Monday will now be the day I get my blood drawn.  Every week, for the foreseeable future... I am excited to get the results back and see how fast, or how slow, my hcG levels are dropping.  At my 12 week check up, my husband and I learned our baby's heart was no longer beating and they suspected a partial molar pregnancy.  They were right, but I will tell that story in an other post.



My prayer for today:


Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for blessing me with a child.  I know my little one is in your arms.  Thank you for protecting me from the bitterness and depression that is trying to surround me.  Your love is the only thing that gets me through the day.

Please remind me of all that I have to be thankful for every time I am reminded of my loss.  Help me to be a blessing to others who are suffering.  I hope that I can help someone else find the light through you.

Amen.