I was reading through this blog tonight with tears in my eyes. Remembering the sadness and heartbreak. It seems so long ago but still so fresh. Knowing the joy of meeting Grady almost makes it hurt a little more.
Being a mother is even better than I had imagined. And Grady is the BEST baby. I'm not just saying that because I'm his mama either. He is healthy and happy and we have an incredible bond. I guess what they say about rainbow babies is true. They are a blessing.
The funny thing about Grady is that we didn't plan for him. All the number watching, calculating, and obsessing I did about being able to try again was pushed aside when life got busy. Once I was cleared to conceive, Andy and I just didn't "feel" like the time was right. We had a house to sell and I started a full time job. Most of all I was scared, so we waited. But it wasn't up to us and I was surprised one afternoon when Andy was out baling hay. I stopped by the store to grab a test because I was ONE DAY late and those two lines popped up again. Everything was just like last time. The first words out of my mouth? "Oh shit..."
Not very romantic, but I was terrified! I waited until Andy got home to celebrate and cry. The first trimester I didn't let myself get too carried away with baby stuff, names, or bump pictures. I didn't keep a journal like I did last time either. I was trying to guard my heart from another loss. But thankfully, all tests (yes, more weekly blood work and ultrasounds) came back normal and healthy.
I hope someday that someone will find this blog and it will help them. I won't post again because the happiness of being Grady's mom isn't what this blog is about. I made this to mourn and ask questions. To get mad and be sad about the baby that was lost. I worked through a lot by just getting my thoughts into space and out of my head.
I survived. And you can too.
