Buffalo Chicken Grinder

Yesterday, a couple of hours after I stopped sobbing from writing my first post... My husband and I decided what to have for dinner.  That's not a significant decision for a regular person who isn't grieving something or someone. But for me, food is a reminder that my baby is gone. Since week 6 I had cravings for pickles, cottage cheese, and spicy things. 

Once or twice a WEEK I was ordering a buffalo chicken grinder from a local sub and pizza shop. I have always loved pickles, but I'm talking about inhaling two or three spears every afternoon. And I would regularly go through two tubs of cottage cheese a week... 

My cravings weren't anything out of the ordinary for a pregnant woman, but now that I don't have them anymore, thinking of eating those foods makes me tear up.

So when my husband asked me what I wanted for dinner last night, I said without hesitation "Buffalo chicken grinder," to which he replied with a stare and skeptical eyebrows. Just three days earlier I cried because I thought of said grinder. I don't blame him. But we went, and I ate it without a tear, along with the pickle on the side :)

I was so proud of myself I embarrassed my husband by making him take a picture of me and my food. I guess from here on out, it's all about conquering the small things. 

My prayer today:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the strength you give me. Thank you for taking the pain away. I know it's okay to move on, because I'll hold my baby in heaven someday.  

Please help me to grow a little more everyday. I know your love will carry me through this. 

Amen

What Should Be

My baby should be 14 weeks.

I should be showing and growing.

There should be a smile on my face when my husband touches my stomach.

I should be craving pickles and hot wings.

My baby should be with me still.



I lost my baby one week ago today and I could not have predicted how hard today would be.  Everyday is a battle against constant reminders.  My body reminds me I am not pregnant anymore.  Diaper commercials on TV.  Car seats in minivans.

Since July 28th Mondays were a day to celebrate.  Every monday my baby got one week closer to being in my arms.  But this Monday is just one more reminder that my baby is gone. Now it just reminds me of what should be.

Today I had my first blood draw since my D&C exactly a week ago.  Ironically, every Monday will now be the day I get my blood drawn.  Every week, for the foreseeable future... I am excited to get the results back and see how fast, or how slow, my hcG levels are dropping.  At my 12 week check up, my husband and I learned our baby's heart was no longer beating and they suspected a partial molar pregnancy.  They were right, but I will tell that story in an other post.



My prayer for today:


Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for blessing me with a child.  I know my little one is in your arms.  Thank you for protecting me from the bitterness and depression that is trying to surround me.  Your love is the only thing that gets me through the day.

Please remind me of all that I have to be thankful for every time I am reminded of my loss.  Help me to be a blessing to others who are suffering.  I hope that I can help someone else find the light through you.

Amen.