Shake It Off

An extremely frustrating part of this process is the emotional roller coaster I can't seem to get off of. Yesterday was an awesome day, I got excellent test results back from my OB. And I had a go-get'em attitude. But last night as we started to get ready for bed, I felt like my heart was getting pushed back into a hole. 

I was upset, at no one, just my situation. And sad, that my baby isn't with me anymore. Angry that even though I got great results back, it will still be another six months until my husband and I can even start trying to conceive again. Just plain angry!! (I really do plan on telling my story, I just can't seem to yet)

To make it even worse, I feel like I'm riding this ride alone. (I know in my heart I am not, but...) My husband rarely talks about our loss anymore and he is 100 times more stable than me.  And I can't decide if I am thankful or mad at him for how he has handled himself. Thankful because I need someone strong to pull me out of the darkness and cheer me up by saying and believing that we will make it through this. At the same time, I am furious because I want the world to stop and mourn my loss. I feel that by moving on too fast, we will forget and it will be like it never happened.

It did happen!! For 13 weeks I was a mom! I had life inside of me. I had a great gift. We were so excited, we were picking out names, and telling people we loved how blessed we were. Two weeks ago I woke up smiling every morning knowing that the biggest gift I'll ever receive was safe inside of me. 

Now all I have left as evidence that it happened is a shadow box I filled with the maternity shirt I painted, a baby shirt we bought on vacation in Augist, the one and only ultrasound shot I have, and the stick I peed on that told me I was going to be a mom. 

It all feels like a nightmare.